It has been a while. So much has happened since my last post, as life does roll on even though we may not.
Maybe I am mean because she has what I used to have – you, your full attention and effort.
They say once you loose something, you realise its true worth
I never understood that. And perhaps now, I do not understand that fully.
This is the only time the airport is going to bring me bad memories. I used to love the airport, it meant the means to chase after dreams, to explore, to go an adventure.
Insatiate
Being unhappy is really tiring. Being unsatisfied is also tiring. So is striving for other people, living for other people.
My issue is not restriction. My issue is that I don’t know what to do with my life. My ambitious thirteen year old self anticipated that I would have found myself by the time I hit eighteen. I was so sure that my life would be on track. I understood that this track may not be flowers and rainbows and always easy but i was certain that, I would at least be on the right track. In retrospect, I was naive. Six years rolled by and this expected “track” is probably there but I’m not on it. I can’t say for sure why or what happened but I’m not on it. I haven’t found myself and it’s a bit hard watching those that have. Sure, I am happy for them but at the same time, it’s difficult not to reflect upon why they are there and I am not.
I don’t want to spend my whole life searching and looking for who I am. I want to have it all figured out like any other control freak. I want to have this “life” business analysed, ripped apart and understood. I want to have a strategy to play the game of life.
Growing up, I’ve hated losing. I feel like I’m losing now and I still hate it.
Vanish
I disappear because sometimes i want you to come running, looking for me frantically.
AT
I have tried so, so hard to forget about you, forget about us. But then you turn up again and return to my life. this is so unfair.
why can’t i just marry bread.
The Tea Girl
To the counter girl who double cupped my english breakfast tea with trim milk. You are fab.
Tough Times
Times are tough.
Head up, chin high, the Heavens do rule.
Stay strong, cry secretly, it’s all part of this isn’t it?
Friends will say ‘i’m here if you need anything’ but you know you can’t hassle them.
You have a heap of people to talk to but at the same time you have no one. It is just one of those things in life. You just want to be less of a burden to the family but the more you try the more complicated things get. You are sensitive, so is everyone else, perhaps more than you.
That feeling of the first time visiting, the reception, the sanitized smell, clean but you dislike it. You were told to follow the yellow line to room6 and bed C, you do as you are told, curious as to where the yellow and black dotted lines lead to. You turn in and see his roommates. You smile and he smiles back; both knowingly hiding the pain. You ask him how the breakfast is, he replies just fine. You feed him, just as he had fed you except less gentle due to your lack of experience. You never imagined that the first time you feed someone would be in this situation, under these conditions, in this environment. A few hours later, you walk out of the ward, following the yellow lines once again. It is still raining, as you walk out, you start bawling, suppressed tears ooze out as if the flood gates had opened. As you walk to your bus stop, you adjust yourself, not wanting strangers to watch you cry. Yet as you stopped walking, having reached your destination, you take a finally look at that building, you see the flowers on the window sills and you are reminded once again how much you hate that place. Suddenly tears came back again, round two and this time, the hell with strangers…
Tomorrow will be the second time. They have moved him now, who knows which line you will have to follow tomorrow upon arrival.
CANVAS SKY 