Being unhappy is really tiring. Being unsatisfied is also tiring. So is striving for other people, living for other people.
My issue is not restriction. My issue is that I don’t know what to do with my life. My ambitious thirteen year old self anticipated that I would have found myself by the time I hit eighteen. I was so sure that my life would be on track. I understood that this track may not be flowers and rainbows and always easy but i was certain that, I would at least be on the right track. In retrospect, I was naive. Six years rolled by and this expected “track” is probably there but I’m not on it. I can’t say for sure why or what happened but I’m not on it. I haven’t found myself and it’s a bit hard watching those that have. Sure, I am happy for them but at the same time, it’s difficult not to reflect upon why they are there and I am not.
I don’t want to spend my whole life searching and looking for who I am. I want to have it all figured out like any other control freak. I want to have this “life” business analysed, ripped apart and understood. I want to have a strategy to play the game of life.
Growing up, I’ve hated losing. I feel like I’m losing now and I still hate it.